This is me. Wanna find out why?
I am sick of people! I wish I lived in a world where everyone believed exactly what I believed and agreed with exactly what I agreed with. Period. Why do I say I love people and then in the next moment find myself really annoyed with them? Sometimes I just want to go away where no one can reach me so that I don't have to interact with others and face the heartaches, pains, and annoyances that they bring. Some of the people that I struggle to love the most are my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. Why can't all Christians immediately be strong in their walk and desire for God? I also hate that I am not as strong a Christian as I would like to be simply because I haven't experienced enough of the things in life that God wants to take me through so that I can grow to that top spiritual maturity. I am not a patient person.
I really like the new Jars of Clay Song Dead Man (Carry Me). Sometimes I feel like I can really relate to the lyrics
I woke up from a dream about an empty funeral
But is was better than the party full of people I don't really know
They've got hearts to break and burn
Dirty hands to feel the earth
There's something in my veins,
But I can't seem to make it work... won't work
It seems like the closer you grow to the Lord the more you see the evil inside of you. I can't believe the wickedness that's inside my heart. So many sinful thoughts and desires... My sinfulness growing more apparent as I grow stronger in my love and understanding of the goodness of God.
So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. ~ Romans 7:21-23
So Carry Me,I'm just a dead man
Lying on the carpet
Can't find a heartbeat
Make me breathe,
I want to be a new man
Tired of the old one
Out with the old plan
What can I do when I feel this way, as I obviously do right now? I need to cling to Jesus. The One who sees my heart. The One who understands the struggles I go through. The One who sees the depths of my sinfulness and yet still offers love and forgiveness. The One who delights in shaping me into the true and whole servant of God that He desires me to be.
Can you find a beat inside of me?
Any pulse? Getting worse?
Any pulse? Getting worse?
Inside of me, can you find a beat?
What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord! ~ Romans 7:24-25
2 comments:
Yeah, I know that feeling. But you know what I think? If we ever got to the point where we felt like we were as strong as we ought to be as Christians, then we probably aren't and are setting ourselves up for a fall. We won't get there until Heaven. Right now we have to allow the Spirit to work in us an follow God the best that we can.
All you can do is hold firm to God and pray for our fellow siblings in Christ.
Sometimes I feel like I've been sinning MORE since becoming a Christian. And a lot of stuff I struggle with is along the lines of what you're mentioning - impatience, judgment of others, easy to anger. Gah. Help us, Jesus.
-Erica
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