Missing the Church

I really miss my church family at City Bible Church.
It stinks that they are so far away so I couldn't even randomly visit them. Up until now I've tried to ignore that nagging in the back of my heart but it's no use. My hope was that as I got involved with my church family here in the States it would make missing CBC easier, but actually the reverse has happened. The more I attend Cedar Hill, the more I miss City Bible Church. To say I don't feel comfortable at Cedar Hill is an understatement. Such a light description would have been adequate about 9 years ago when I went off to college and got a taste of what worship was like at other churches. Up until that point I didn't know that I needed something different. Then Cedar Hill began to change for the better, so there was always that hope in me that it could become a place where I would feel comfortable to worship freely as a human created, loved , and forgiven by God. But then I went off to New Zealand and got involved in a church that Wowed me by its honesty, love, and, truthfulness. No, City Bible Church wasn't perfect, but there was something there that opened my eyes to the character of Jesus that I never saw before. There was a comfortableness that made me think, "Ah, I can breathe!" and I slowly began to open up who I was with all my sins and failures, and dreams and desires. Even through the painful trials and convicting messages at CBC I felt a freedom to respond to God's call to depend on his strength no matter how difficult the battle or how unprepared I was.

Then, a year later, I returned to Cedar Hill. My first day back was a shock. I knew Cedar Hill wasn't going to be like CBC (although secretly I hoped it would be close to it), but I never expected it to actually go backwards from where it was a year ago. My heart was broken. I was ready to leave in search of another body of believers to worship with but the Lord told me "No, stay at Cedar Hill for now." I knew to stay would be hard, but my experience in New Zealand taught me that to follow God's will is always the better choice, not matter how difficult. So I stayed. Don't get me wrong, Cedar Hill has some great qualities, sound Biblical teaching and people who love the Lord. But what good is knowing the Bible when love for others is lacking. When individuals are looked down upon when their desires in life don't match the norm. When the members don't confess their sins to each other but rather pretend they have no struggles (or at least that's the image that's portrayed). When some of the leaders are concerned more about pleasing the congregation or themselves than they are about pleasing God and his desire for the church. When the church is part of an organization that encourages ignoring their fellow brothers and sisters in Christ if they don't attend an acceptable Baptist church. When no one is willing to vocally admit what I just mentioned as truth.

It's this reality that brought me to tears this past Sunday. It's these struggles that I've had to face in the church that have made me question the Lord about why I'm still at Cedar Hill. It's these issues that every week make me miss City Bible Church more. And yet, the Lord says, "Stay." For how long? I don't know. I know that I plan to move away as soon as I can to pursue my acting career, so who knows? One thing I do know is that I have to fervently pray for Cedar Hill, it's members and its leaders, because I can't change hearts only the Lord can. And maybe that's why the Lord is keeping me there at this moment in time. All the same, I really miss CBC.

4th of July - Boom!

So yeah...America celebrated Independence Day - the Fourth of July. It was everything I thought it would be, minus the cookout because no one in my family had a grill (we all live in apartments). But we made hamburgers and brats in our oven so hey, it was still yummy. Somehow Cara and I were placed in charge of the 4th of July plans. Actually, Cara said it was all on my shoulders. When we called family members to see what they were doing for that special day they all said, "I don't know, what would you like us to do?" So that's why we (correction, me) were left in charge of the festivities. We first thought it would be cool to go to the beach, but then we realized our family members were not like our NZ friends and going to the beach for a holiday seemed like a foreign and odd concept to them. So we decided maybe a cookout on a park grill would be great, but then it got to be too complicated, and people didn't really seem flexible about if it rained on that day or going out early to insure we claimed a park grill so it was finally settled that everyone should come to our apartment. 4th of July came and we spent a relaxing morning doing nothing. Family members arrived around 3pm bearing gifts of food and drink. (Hey if I'm gonna plan a family get together we're making it a potluck!) We cooked, we ate, we talked. We had three times as much food as we really needed. It was fun. Later that night we went to see fireworks. We left later than planned (about half an hour before the show was supposed to start) so naturally, parking was an issue. After driving around in circles for 20 minutes we decided to watch the fireworks at a less crowded and further away location. That turned out to be a GOOD plan. For those of you who aren't familiar with the 4th of July fireworks, they tend to happen simultaneously in various towns, cities, and their suburbs. It's possible to catch two maybe even three shows all while staying in the same seat. We watched one show for half an hour and then our city fireworks show began. It was kind of funny to hear and see both shows going off at the same time. The finale of our show was MUCH better though. I forgot how long fireworks shows can be in the US. Our show lasted about 45minutes! We saw some new fireworks like one that formed into a heart shape, but the screamer ones (they sound like bombs dropping through the air) were missing this year, oh well. The finale was amazing!! There were so many fireworks that went off that it looked like the city was being attacked. Lights, explosions, and smoke were everywhere. And of course, the token car alarm went off and fire engine screamed down the street. Ah the familiar memories. After the show we were wide awake so we talked (Me, mom, Cara, my brother, and his wife) for another hour and watched some TV before we finally went to bed. 4th of July, it was everything I'd hoped it would be. Next year maybe I'll go watch fireworks on other days besides just Independence Day. After all, for Americans, Independence is way more than a one day celebration!