My Life Through Song

Music is a large part of my life. Melodies, lyrics, and beats reach my inmost being. Often, when I go through hard times or exciting times a song will come to mind that fits the situaiton. If I were to put my life to song right now, here are the lyrics that would come out:


Either this life is meaningless or its meaning is
Eclipsed by a series of events that satisfy for the moment
But once your moment is passed your moment's the past
Then *poof* dude you can't revive it or hold it
You're born you suffer you die when you're older
But there's a loophole, I wouldn't lie to my soldiers
Nor would I lie to my sisters, God is my witness
Jesus Christ is the only escape from out of your prison


~'DA TRUTH



Why, why are you still here with me? Didn't you see what I've done?
In my shame I want to run and hide myself.
But God's here I see the truth I don't deserve you.
But I need you to love me, and I won't keep my heart from you this time
And I'll stop this pretending that I can somehow deserve what I already have.

I, I have wasted so much time pushing you away from me
I just never saw how you could cherish me
Cause you're a God who has all things and still you want me.
Your love makes me forget what I have been.
Your love makes me see who I really am.
Your love makes me forget what I have been.

I need you to love me


~BARLOW GIRL



There You stood holding me
Waiting for me to notice You.
But who are You?
You are the truth. Outscreaming these lies.
You are the truth. Saving my life.

And I worship. And I worship.


~FLYLEAF



Inside out you are a girl so beautiful
Inside out this love is so incredible
All your life you've never known
Has nobody told you? Has nobody told you?

Beautiful inside and out
I'm wondering how you never knew
You were made in the image of the Most High.
So praise Him you are made wonderfully.
It's true, even if you don't believe
That you're so amazing, I wish you knew.
Don't you know you're so beautiful?


~CALLING ELIJAH



I need you, more than anybody says.
My heart beats faster with you around the bend.
I want you, more than you would ever know.
My heart beats faster. Come on and let it show.

Sticks and stones will break my bones
And names will always hurt me.
The weight of expectation falls.
And brings me to my leads.


~MUMSDOLLAR



Fall down with my face down
Giving up me, myself, and I it’s a bittersweet taste to swallow my pride.
Now face down is where I stay now
If you see me standing up again just knock me back down so I can live face down.


~FAMILY FORCE FIVE



What will people think when they hear that I'm a Jesus freak?
What will people do when they find that it's true?
I don't really care if they label me a Jesus freak.
There ain't no disguising the truth.


~DC TALK



It's the Gospel,
it's the word of the Lord,
people yearn for the cure,
so we carry our swords.

It's the Ministry,
we steppin' up outta church,
and taking it round the earth,
and doing the Father's purpose.

It's the Faith,
'cause the people they need a reason,
hoping that they can see
we fighting for what we believe.

It's the Lifestyle,
this is not a facade,
we die to our pride,
so we can bring honor to God.


~KENAN GABRIEL, feat.BRIAN & CALVIN



Now I've never been very assertive, I guess I always preferred to just keep my mouth shut, so a lot of unspoken words are coming out now. Figured I'd speak out loud before it's too late for me to get my thoughts out.

This world is so perverted from sex, greed, to murder. We've been judged by the clergy and guilty's the verdict, but thank God the High Priest interceded and cleared up the dirt that I stirred up. But thankfully the Living Word is something I heard of which means that death is something I don't got to be scared of I've been cured of it.

Now all the years that I've wasted and all the tears that I've tasted have forced me to face the truth and embrace it. Which leads me to the question it's simple and basic: What is true life and have you ever tasted it?

There's only one thing to live for, die for, get killed for,
and no it's not what they selling on them billboards.
Death is for certain, you can't take the pill for it.
It's happening whether you will or won't ignore.
Look at the signs, we running out of time,
There's work to be done it's the Bottom of the Ninth.
So get busy, hey, get busy, hey,
Choose life, seek Christ, and get busy, hey.

So when you're tired and low down and everything seems to go wrong put on your rally caps and be strong. We down in the bottom of the ninth but know now the one who's gonna win the showdown. So keep, keep on, keep fighting the whole round, and know the same One who's faithful is gonna crown, He see's ya. So get busy. He's so proud you're his own child believe me.

You only got one life to live.
You only got one life to give.
You only got one life to lose.
You only got one life to choose what you gonna live for.
There's only one thing worth living for.


~B. REITH, feat. KNINE

Decisions

So just when you think life is pretty predictable you hit a bend in the road.

The other day, my manager told me there was an opportunity for change at Starbucks. Basically the Starbucks right down the street from me is in need of four baristas. Within a month they will be losing four of their partners due to the workers graduating from college. They're seeking to hire from within the company before getting someone new since so many stores have had to reduce the hours of their employees (mine being one of them). My manager told our store that one of the baristas who live near this Starbucks should really consider transferring since it would be cheaper on gas and we'd get more hours. Plus we have too many employees and will probably be asked to transfer an employee anyway.

Hmm...

I'm really praying about this. I do live right down the street from this Starbucks and wouldn't even have to drive to work. Also, I'm always up for trying new things, it makes life interesting. On the other hand, I have developed some great friendships with my coworkers at my store, I love working with my manager, he's pretty fun, and there's something exciting about working downtown.

But... truth be told, I am leaning towards transferring. I'm gonna pray about it and give my manager an answer on Monday. There are two other coworkers who live closer to this Starbucks as well and I'm not sure what their thoughts are about the offer. Perhaps one of them will take the position before I make up my mind. Who knows? The Lord knows. Anyway, whatever happens I can't wait see what's around the bend.

Applying Online?

So due to reduced hours at good ol' Starbucks I am in serious need of a second job. Oh, nothing too fancy. Just another part-time flexible job. As I've begun to job hunt again I've found myself continually frustrated by online applications. Actually I think they should be called Job Personality Tests because rather than just accept the standard job history/resume info they also want you to take a brief test (they call it assessment). This test (assessment) can take anywhere from 10 minutes to an hour grilling you on your responses to fictional situations and your thoughts and beliefs about the morality of yourself and your fellow human beings. I kid you not. And all this just to work as a cashier at a clothing store. The worst part about these tests are that once you've complete them many will let you know if you've passed or failed in the nicest way possible. "I'm sorry, but this assessment indicates that you do not qualify as a capable candidate for this position at Walmart!"

I wish I could give you an example of some of the actual questions I've had to answer, but I thought it would be funner to come up with my own job personality test. It's pretty ridiculous but also pretty close to actual questions I've had to answer.

OK. Are you ready? Once you begin you have 30 minutes to complete this test... whoops... assessment. On your mark, get set, go!

JOB PERSONALITY TEST (ASSESSMENT)

1) If a customer spills a smoothie in the aisle do you?

a. stare at it

b. ignore it

c. laugh

d. call the president

2) If you catch a co worker stealing socks do you?

a. personally arrest them

b. get the manager to arrest them

c. get a customer to arrest them

d. ask them to swipe a pair for you

3) What does the employee manual say about dealing with a smelly customer?

a. nothing

b. direct them to the perfume counter

c. direct them to the back door exit

d. don't care

4) Do you believe most people steal?

a. yes

b. no

5) Do you believe most people are evil

a. yes

b. no

6) Do you believe you are evil?

a. yes

b. no

7) Do you believe in Santa Claus?

a. yes

b. no

These next set of questions should be answered using the following scale: 1. absolutely, 2. definitely, 3. maybe, 4. definitely not, 5. absolutely not

8) I like helping customers who are jerks.

9) I like working with managers who are jerks.

10) I am a jerk.

11) I like to work with a large group of people.

12) I can't stand working with a large group of people.

13) I can only work alone in back room with no customer or coworker interaction.

The next two questions are optional and don't count but we want you to answer them anyway. If you don't answer them you definitely won't get this job.

14) Has this survey been useful in helping you understand the nature of this job?

15) Was this survey a waste of time?

First Blog of 2009

In an effort to make this blog seem special I made it the 'first' of something - in this case - the new year.

But really it's a blog like any other. The only difference is it's been a while. I used to think that when bad things happened in my life I would avoid writing a blog. Then I found that when good things happened in my life I also found myself postponing writing a blog. Now I see that even when life is just blah/boring I can ignoring the whole blogging thing altogether. So, pretty much I have to be in the mood to write a blog.

Well folks, today is that day!

As you've probably guessed already life has not been so exciting for me. Even Christmas barely made a memorable mark in my life these past few months. I need some excitement.

We got a new president yesterday. (Or in the wonderful words of Burns with LifeFM in New Zealand. "Barack Obama started a new job.") And yet, I woke up today feeling no different. I guess America with Bush feels pretty much the same as America with Obama.

Work at Starbucks holds its exciting 'moments,' but receiving a steadily decreasing paycheck is not so exciting. Corporate has cut hours all across the country. At first we were told it was because Christmas business is slower, but now I suspect it's because their stocks have gone down. Especially since business has increased but hours have not. Hmm, this can't be good for customer satisfaction. Too few workers causes even longer waits in line (not to mention frazzled workers). It's hard to get in the necessary 10 minute break when only two people are working on the floor. So, now I'm searching for a second job. Businesses can't really expect you to be loyal to them when they aren't loyal to you.

Theater is...yeah...not really happening. I found an audition, finally, that I'm excited to go to. It's for summer theater AND I'd get paid. Very big plus! But I have to constantly fight doubts about my acting/singing ability. Why do I love doing something that causes such heartache? It's in my blood I guess. I also fight anxiety about being able to pay bills by working two jobs and doing theater. Is this possible? I'm my own worse enemy in this battle. I've gotta focus on the Lord more in this situation. He'll give me wisdom if I only listen!

Well, I'm kind of tired of writing so I guess I'll end here. Maybe things won't look so blah the next time I write. I'll leave with this quote which I pulled out of The Lord of the Rings: the Two Towers, which I'm reading right now.

"Eomer: The world is all grown strange!...How shall a man judge what to do in such times?
Aragorn: As he ever has judged. Good and ill have not changed since yesteryear...It is a man's part to discern them as much in the Golden Wood (World) as in his own house."

Stuff

The past week has been interesting for me.
Fall came. And is starting to leave. I think winter will be much colder than what I remember. This is what happens when you've had a year of summer. You forget all the bad seasons.

Holloween came. So much fun!! Cara and I drove around taking pictures of all the little kids trick or treating. They were so cute. Ah, the memories. We also took advantage of Chipotles free burrito on Halloween promotion. All you had to do is dress like a burrito (or just wear some foil) and they gave you one for free. Cara, mom, and I made hats, necklaces, bracelets out of foil. Then we stood in line for an hour laughing and joking about everyone looking silly with their foil accessories. Then we got our free burritos and ate them. Yum!! Cara and I also went to my brother's church later that night and danced and socialized. My brother gave a short concert singing some powerful Christian rap that he wrote. There was also a message about the 'masks' we wear in life and how Jesus wants us to take off those 'masks' because "what is dark will be exposed by the light and what is hidden will be revealed." All in all a great night.

On Saturday I met Jeremy Camp and the lead singer for Everyday Sunday at Starbucks. They were in town performing for a Christian youth rally called Aquire the Fire. It was cool meeting them and making them a caramel machiatto and pumpkin spice latte. They're great guys. I love working at Starbucks downtown!

Election day was yesterday. Craziness! At Starbucks we gave out free tall brewed coffees to anyone who voted so the line was pretty much out the door all day. I found that kind of fun. Later I voted and waited in line for a total of 5 minutes (possibly 3). Hmm, glad I didn't vote early! ;-P My candidate didn't become president but that's OK, both were kind of blah candidates. I'm glad the craziness of elections are over. Whew, a break for 3 1/2 years!

Prodigal

Music really speaks to me. That's why you'll see me occasionally post quotes or lyrics from songs in my blogs. I go through phases of liking different musicians or songs. My favorite group for this week is One Republic, christians who make music in the secular music industry. It's funny how when you're a christian even when your lyrics are not talking specifically about Jesus they have a biblical world view. Music is written from the heart and the Holy Spirit, if it's part of that heart, has an influence.

The song that is on my heart today is One Republic's song Prodigal. In the book of Luke in the Bible Jesus tells a parable about the lost (or prodigal) son. This son takes all of his inheritance early from his rich father and says "see ya!" He then heads to a far away land and spends all his money on living a wild life. When the money's gone he's forced to beg for work and ends up working one of the lowest jobs possible, feeding and taking care of pigs in their pens. He's in so bad a shape that he envies the food that the pigs receive desiring to eat even slop over starving. "When he came to his senses" he decided to go home to his father, ask for forgiveness, and beg to be hired as a servant since he wasn't worthy to be his father's son. But when he returned home his father welcomed him with open arms and even threw a huge feast to celebrate the fact that his son who was "dead" is now "alive." He was "lost" but now he's "found!"

That's the basic story. Now look at the lyrics to this song:

Run away, run away, like a prodigal
Don't you wait for me, don't you wait for me
So ashamed, so ashamed, but I need you so
And you wait for me, and you wait for me.

Every time I'd heard the parable of the lost son I'd never thought of myself as that prodigal son. I mean I've never flat out walked away from the Lord and then indulged in living a sinful life only to return to God when I had nowhere else to turn. But recently I've realized that every time I turn my back on the Lord to commit a sin (no matter how great or small) I'm being that prodigal son. Not only that, but there are times when I've tried to do things my way, and it was only when I fell flat on my face that I finally turned back to the Lord for forgiveness and to seek His guidance. That sounds a lot like the prodigal son.

We say "goodbye," I turn my back

Run away, run away, so predictable

Not far from here, you see me crack

Like a bone, like a bone, I'm so breakable

I take everything from you

But you'll take anything, won't you?

And the sad thing is that when I "run away" from the Lord I know that wherever I run He's already there.

I'm on the road to who knows where

Look ahead, not behind, I keep sayin'

There's no place to go where you're not there

On your rope, I hold tight, but it's frayin'

And I take everything from you

But you'll take anything, won't you?

And to further make matters worse, Satan convinces me that once I go against the Lord He won't possibly take me back as His precious and loved daughter. So I become ashamed. And in my shame I don't run back to the Lord even though I know I need Him. In my heart I shout:

"Don't you you wait for me, don't you wait for me"

"So ashamed , so ashamed"

...."but I need you so"

When I inevitably mess up and turn away from the Lord I need to remember that, like the father with his prodigal son, God will always welcome me back with open arms....

And you wait for me, and you wait for me.

...because Jesus told this parable to remind us of His love for us. And He died on the cross so our sins would hold no power over us. They were already forgiven before we even committed them. So why should I hesitate to immediately run back to my Heavenly Father when his love for me was established before I was even capable of doing right in His eyes.

I don't know if the song Prodigal is referring to a prodigal person with God or with another person but it's effective in it's message, and the Holy Spirit influence is present, and that's what touched my heart.

Run away, run away, like a prodigal
Don't you wait for me, don't you wait for me
So ashamed, so ashamed, but I need you so
And you wait for me, and you wait for me.

Breathing

"I have no fear of drowning it's the breathing that's taking all this work."

~ Jars of Clay Work

Work. These past few weeks just breathing, living life, has been work. Yes, Jesus is wonderful but that doesn't necessarily mean living life will be easy. Here's a summary of my world during the past few weeks:

- A few weeks ago I opened at Starbucks at 5:15am. When I finished work at 11am and returned to my car there was a huge rock in the backseat, glass everywhere, and a huge hole where my rear driver side window used to be. Someone had broken into my car. Thankfully I never carry much in my car so all they got was some spare change for meters and a fold-up butterfly chair. They also attempted to steal the car but only managed to jam the ignition. So I guess over all they went away disappointed. I, on the other hand, was shocked and frustrated. I spent the rest of that day talking to my insurance company, the autobody shop, and a car rental agency. Oh the joys of working downtown.

- A couple days after the car break-in I went on a trip with my dad and sister down to visit my brother, sister-in-law, and nephew in South Carolina. While I definitely enjoyed the trip my funds were severely limited due to the deductible I had to pay on my damaged car. It was added stress that kept nagging me the whole time I was down South.

- Upon returning home I discovered that a monthly payment that I set up to be automatically taken out of my account was taken out of the wrong account (my Mom's). I've been talking with the company for a couple weeks now to get that sorted out. It gets confusing when you talk with a different person every time you call (and the one person you're trying to reach is never available).

- Work has been good and bad. Sometimes my co-workers annoy me with their different ways of doing things. It's like I have to figure out how to do certain things depending on whoever's in charge at the moment. And conversations aren't always the most appropriate. A few days ago I almost had a meltdown because our Area Manager was visiting the store all day and all the experienced workers were telling me new things to do only when the Area Manager was around. I was annoyed. Why don't we do things the "proper" way all the time?

- This morning I was mourning the loss of a friend. They didn't die or anything like that but our friendship is over nonetheless. When I was in New Zealand it was easier to ignore this loss, but now that I'm back in the States it's more in my face. I asked the Lord why it had to be this way? I don't know the answer. I know He'll help me deal with this, but it's still...work.

"I have no fear of drowning it's the breathing that's taking all this work."

Becoming a Professional Barista

"Working at Starbucks? Oh it's an easy job!"
That's the comment many of my fellow coworkers have consistently said to me. And you know what? Working there for two weeks now, I'm beginning to believe it. Yeah there's a lot of coffee to remember, or rather there are a lot of symbols to remember to write on the cups (still working on that), but serving coffee as a barista is much easier than serving food as a waitress. I might just enjoy this job.

So, I was thinking about how this job will actually assist me in my theater career. Well, for one thing it gives me money a little more consistently. Is it a lot of money? Not really, but it'll do. It's a pretty flexible job so if I need to audition or rehearse things can be worked out fairly easily. Also, I'm working at a Starbucks located in the Theater District so that may help me somehow. We're encouraged to get to know our customers and "welcome them like you would welcome someone into your home" so perhaps I'll meet some people in the theater world who might become a future connection for me. I've already noticed that many regular customers like to talk to the baristas about what's happening in their life. Maybe I can have some great conversations with some actors, etc. Of course I probably should make sure their drinks are made properly.

Missing the Church

I really miss my church family at City Bible Church.
It stinks that they are so far away so I couldn't even randomly visit them. Up until now I've tried to ignore that nagging in the back of my heart but it's no use. My hope was that as I got involved with my church family here in the States it would make missing CBC easier, but actually the reverse has happened. The more I attend Cedar Hill, the more I miss City Bible Church. To say I don't feel comfortable at Cedar Hill is an understatement. Such a light description would have been adequate about 9 years ago when I went off to college and got a taste of what worship was like at other churches. Up until that point I didn't know that I needed something different. Then Cedar Hill began to change for the better, so there was always that hope in me that it could become a place where I would feel comfortable to worship freely as a human created, loved , and forgiven by God. But then I went off to New Zealand and got involved in a church that Wowed me by its honesty, love, and, truthfulness. No, City Bible Church wasn't perfect, but there was something there that opened my eyes to the character of Jesus that I never saw before. There was a comfortableness that made me think, "Ah, I can breathe!" and I slowly began to open up who I was with all my sins and failures, and dreams and desires. Even through the painful trials and convicting messages at CBC I felt a freedom to respond to God's call to depend on his strength no matter how difficult the battle or how unprepared I was.

Then, a year later, I returned to Cedar Hill. My first day back was a shock. I knew Cedar Hill wasn't going to be like CBC (although secretly I hoped it would be close to it), but I never expected it to actually go backwards from where it was a year ago. My heart was broken. I was ready to leave in search of another body of believers to worship with but the Lord told me "No, stay at Cedar Hill for now." I knew to stay would be hard, but my experience in New Zealand taught me that to follow God's will is always the better choice, not matter how difficult. So I stayed. Don't get me wrong, Cedar Hill has some great qualities, sound Biblical teaching and people who love the Lord. But what good is knowing the Bible when love for others is lacking. When individuals are looked down upon when their desires in life don't match the norm. When the members don't confess their sins to each other but rather pretend they have no struggles (or at least that's the image that's portrayed). When some of the leaders are concerned more about pleasing the congregation or themselves than they are about pleasing God and his desire for the church. When the church is part of an organization that encourages ignoring their fellow brothers and sisters in Christ if they don't attend an acceptable Baptist church. When no one is willing to vocally admit what I just mentioned as truth.

It's this reality that brought me to tears this past Sunday. It's these struggles that I've had to face in the church that have made me question the Lord about why I'm still at Cedar Hill. It's these issues that every week make me miss City Bible Church more. And yet, the Lord says, "Stay." For how long? I don't know. I know that I plan to move away as soon as I can to pursue my acting career, so who knows? One thing I do know is that I have to fervently pray for Cedar Hill, it's members and its leaders, because I can't change hearts only the Lord can. And maybe that's why the Lord is keeping me there at this moment in time. All the same, I really miss CBC.

4th of July - Boom!

So yeah...America celebrated Independence Day - the Fourth of July. It was everything I thought it would be, minus the cookout because no one in my family had a grill (we all live in apartments). But we made hamburgers and brats in our oven so hey, it was still yummy. Somehow Cara and I were placed in charge of the 4th of July plans. Actually, Cara said it was all on my shoulders. When we called family members to see what they were doing for that special day they all said, "I don't know, what would you like us to do?" So that's why we (correction, me) were left in charge of the festivities. We first thought it would be cool to go to the beach, but then we realized our family members were not like our NZ friends and going to the beach for a holiday seemed like a foreign and odd concept to them. So we decided maybe a cookout on a park grill would be great, but then it got to be too complicated, and people didn't really seem flexible about if it rained on that day or going out early to insure we claimed a park grill so it was finally settled that everyone should come to our apartment. 4th of July came and we spent a relaxing morning doing nothing. Family members arrived around 3pm bearing gifts of food and drink. (Hey if I'm gonna plan a family get together we're making it a potluck!) We cooked, we ate, we talked. We had three times as much food as we really needed. It was fun. Later that night we went to see fireworks. We left later than planned (about half an hour before the show was supposed to start) so naturally, parking was an issue. After driving around in circles for 20 minutes we decided to watch the fireworks at a less crowded and further away location. That turned out to be a GOOD plan. For those of you who aren't familiar with the 4th of July fireworks, they tend to happen simultaneously in various towns, cities, and their suburbs. It's possible to catch two maybe even three shows all while staying in the same seat. We watched one show for half an hour and then our city fireworks show began. It was kind of funny to hear and see both shows going off at the same time. The finale of our show was MUCH better though. I forgot how long fireworks shows can be in the US. Our show lasted about 45minutes! We saw some new fireworks like one that formed into a heart shape, but the screamer ones (they sound like bombs dropping through the air) were missing this year, oh well. The finale was amazing!! There were so many fireworks that went off that it looked like the city was being attacked. Lights, explosions, and smoke were everywhere. And of course, the token car alarm went off and fire engine screamed down the street. Ah the familiar memories. After the show we were wide awake so we talked (Me, mom, Cara, my brother, and his wife) for another hour and watched some TV before we finally went to bed. 4th of July, it was everything I'd hoped it would be. Next year maybe I'll go watch fireworks on other days besides just Independence Day. After all, for Americans, Independence is way more than a one day celebration!

Caught Up in the Fast Lane Without a Dollar to My Name

"Caught up in the fast lane, Without a dollar to my name
No money just music, But I need them both the same!"

~ Lt. Funk (New Zealand)

The above lyrics, written by one of my favorite Kiwi bands, basically sums up my life right now. I can't believe I've been in the States for over six weeks and still am without a job. Granted, the first three weeks I was in South Carolina and unable to apply for Ohio jobs, but now that I'm home I've been diligently completing applications and have received no interviews or anything. Actually, I just received one rejection letter from Wholefoods grocery store stating that they were going to pursue more "qualified" applicants for their cashier job. I understand this is the basic rejection letter they send everyone they don't accept, but I'm having trouble trying to understand what makes me unqualified to be a grocery store cashier. I guess what I really have to realize is that the Lord didn't want me to have that job, regardless of Wholefoods. He closed that door so that's one less company I need to call to inquire about the status of my application. ;-P

Soooo.....what now? I've been applying at retail stores and restaurants in hopes of getting a job that will give me the flexibility to pursue theatre while working for them. That means office jobs are out of the question because you don't get vacation until after you've worked for a year (blah), and you have set hours that can never be changed so if I need to got to an out of town audition during the week or for an extended weekend that will make things difficult. Not to mention I want a job that will be interesting to me. The office world just does not understand we creative types.

Actually, I feel like the world doesn't understand creative types. It's funny to watch the reaction of people who ask Cara and I what we want to do for a living. When we say theater or art, their response is, "Yeah, but what are you going to do?" "Theater and art." "Yeah, but what job?" "Theater and art." "Oh..hmm..well, that's nice." Meanwhile you can see the wheels turning in their head; they think we've lost our minds. Actually, come to think of it, that was the response people had when we said we were going to move to New Zealand, so I guess I'm used to it.

Anyway, it's hard to stay positive when you have bills to pay and no income coming in to pay them. I'm thankful that I have a roof over my head as I stay with my mom, but I also feel guilty that I can't contribute to the cost of groceries or rent. I do realize this is a humility issue. I need to be humble enough to accept the help. I'm not a freeloader and there's nothing I'd love more than to have my own place, but I'm nowhere near a finacial position to do that and my mom, in Christlike attitude, is sharing what she has to help me during this difficult time.

Thank you Lord for people like my mom!

....And also for music that keeps me positive and brings a smile to my face.

"Got no money! Got no money! Got no money!

Just music, But I need them both the same!"

Two Weeks in Limbo

I am currently in the USA but....not home.

Cara and I have been spending a couple weeks with our brother, sister-in-law, and 14 month old nephew. It's been great hanging out with them. Seeing my big brother as a daddy is something new. Wow, will I ever get used to that? They're both great parents. They know how to play with Alex and they know how to discipline him as well. He's a very smiley and stubborn little boy. He's into EVERYTHING and loves to be held, kissed, and hugged. He's at a great age. He's walking but hasn't quite mastered balancing so there are many tumbles he takes. I know I shouldn't laugh when he falls, but he falls in so many different and absurd ways. (Hey, his mom and Cara laugh as well!) He's so much fun to be around.

Swinging is so much fun!

Alex is very goofy after he takes a bath.

Occasionally Alex will get upset with his toys for hurting him.

Last weekend Cara and I gave Mike and Erica (our siblings) the weekend off from Alex. They went away Saturday night and returned Monday afternoon. They were so excited to get a break from parenting for a couple days. Of course, Erica missed Alex a lot and called I think about 2 times a day. Ah moms! Alex was great. He was pretty easy to watch (except for his stubborn moments) and he seemed to really enjoy his time with his aunts. We had fun playing with him, hugging him, feeding him, bathing him, and giving him naps. I have to admit the time wasn't all fun and games. Alex definitely occupied our time for most of the day; he had a schedule that we had to strictly follow or he would be a cranky kid. It was a new thing for me to have another person so dependent on me. I got a small taste of what Mike and Erica go through regularly and it left me exhausted by the end of the weekend.

Mike, Alex, Erica

While I love my brother, sister, and nephew I'm feeling very much in limbo because I'm not exactly at home and able to begin the next phase of my life here in the USA. I need to get a job, and of course I have bills to face when I return home. I'm also anxious to get back to working on my acting career again. I miss friends and family from home as well. Also, my brother lives in the South. South Carolina to be exact. And I'm realizing that the South, while it's still part of the USA, it's somewhat different from the North. So it's kind of a mild culture shock for me being here. I feel like I'm in America but not completely in the America that I know. Yeah, I need to get home soon. Only five days to go.

Until that time I think I'll just give my nephew more hugs and kisses.

Final Days in NZ

Saying goodbye is always hard. Especially when you've developed some really good friendships. My final days in New Zealand were tough ones. As the reality of leaving hit me I began to mourn the end of the fun times together with friends. This is not to say we will never experience fun times together again, but rather that we won't be doing it any time soon. And that was devastating to me. How do you create a bond with someone and then leave it all behind? The difference between leaving my friends in NZ and leaving my friends in America was that there was a set time of when I would return to the US, but with New Zealand I just don't know. I don't know when I'll have the money and time to return. I don't know where life will take me and if it'll be months or years until I see my friends again. (Sob!) It's times like these when I ask "Why" questions to the Lord and then cling to Him as the one friend I have that I can always hang out with, no matter where I am in the world.



With that said, I'd like to share my last 3 days in New Zealand and why they were so special to me. On Thursday, my life group/church had a goodbye barbeque for Cara and I. It was fun to spend time one last time with our church family. People who have really poured into us this year by teaching, encouraging, and praying for us. Life in New Zealand would have been so much harder if it wasn't for our church family. At the goodbye party we were able to share with everyone what the Lord has taught us this year and what our plans were for the future. Afterwards people shared with us the impact we had on their lives and how much they would miss us. Then they prayed for us. It was a very touching and emotional moment for me.



On Friday, Cara and I had lunch with our pastor, Campbell, and his wife Lorraine. It reminded me of when we first came to NZ and how the second week at City Bible Church we were invited to have lunch with them. Campbell shared how much he appreciated our involvement at CBC and how good it's been to see us grow in the Lord. My thoughts are that part of that growth is due to him. Once again we had an emotional time of saying goodbye to him and his family. Later that evening Our friends surprised us by inviting us to their house to play Cranium. This game is so much fun and we've played it about six times while in NZ. Lots of fun. During the evening they pulled out some A&W rootbeer and made rootbeer floats. The thing that is so special about this is that NZ doesn't have rootbeer. Our friends had to search in some tiny Dairy store to find this drink (shipped all the way from the US). It was the first time they tried rootbeer. It got mixed reviews. The funniest being that it tasted like athletic muscle medicine. Ha ha! I never thought about it but, rootbeer does have an odd flavour. Oh well, I appreciated the effort they made to get the drink.



Saturday was leaving day. Cara and I ran some quick errands, including dropping garbage bags off at the city dump and shipping a box of items home. Then, four of our friends went with us to the airport. I loved the hour and a half drive out to the airport since it was a chance to just talk and relax one last time. Also, it was my final glimpse of the beautiful New Zealand countryside. At the airport we met up with four more friends. So a total of eight friends saw us off at the airport. That was the most special moment of my time in New Zealand. I don't know if they realize how much their presence at the airport meant to me and Cara as we left New Zealand. The goodbyes were long and I will forever have ingrained in my memory the picture of them waving goodbye as we walked away. We shed quite a few tears on the plane and even now they're starting to come as I type this. Lord thank you for the meaningful friendships we made in New Zealand. I miss them all.

A View Through the Window

Last weekend Cara and I had the privilege (or misfortune) to sit in Starbucks for a few hours while we waited for a concert to start down the street. We were seated in front of a huge window that looked onto the active, and sometimes not so active, street outside. After about an hour of drinking Chai Lattes we were bored so.....the window being our only source of amusement we looked to it for entertainment. Here's a sample of what we saw:

1) Mysterious cop hang-out - Did you know the police of Hamilton have a secret hangout spot right outside of Starbucks? It's true. No kidding! The entrance is an insignificant metal door set slightly back in a grove. Where does this door lead? Who knows. What I do know is that a large group of cops will occasionally loiter outside the door and then all enter inside. What do they do? Cara and I speculated that they have a ton of donuts (American ones) that they eat only in this secret place so that New Zealanders don't make donut jokes about them. Of course we Americans obviously have no problem with making police donut jokes so I'll continue with our observations. We watched the loitering cops talking together, then they noticed a parked car and began to walk around it. They'd clearly found something interesting about this car. Suddenly a ticket pad was pulled out and a ticket placed on the car windshield. Ha ha, the driver clearly picked the wrong spot to park that night! Later the cops came out of their secret hangout carrying "suspect" packages that they placed in a police car. I'm thinking donuts people!

2) The powder pink hoodie gang - Yeah, I don't know who told these guys that pink hoodies were cool, but I do know that there were three of them walking around in them like they were 'Da Stuff! Hmmm....I really wanted to say to them "That's a cute outfit you're wearing. Did your mommy buy that for you?" The worst part is that a couple of them had their hoods up. They looked like pink munchkins.

3)Acrobatics on some stone pillars - This teen started doing silly jumps across some low stone pillars. There was no one else on the street but he and his friend so maybe he felt more bold to do something stupid. Of course he had to have noticed the two girls in the window across the street laughing hysterically at him. On second thoughts, maybe we were the reason he was showing off his acrobatic skills.

4) Wrong way! - The street outside of Starbucks is two-way and then becomes one-way at a roundabout. Most cars notice all the "Wrong Way" and "Do Not Enter" signs at the roundabout and just turn around. But not the car we saw on this amusing night. It saw the signs and kept going, even though there were cars coming down this one lane, narrow street. It was quite a funny sight to see this car maneuver around the other cars coming in the opposite direction. Luckily they were all going slow.

5) The Yellow Submarine - This is the place where the concert was being held. During our hours at Starbucks we had a lot of time to reflect of the advertising of the Yellow Submarine for the bands that would be at this hole in the wall place. Their poster advertised the bands but didn't say what time they would start playing. In fact, the only time mentioned on the poster was "happy hour 6-9pm." Naturally, we thought the concert started around 6pm. Apparently we were wrong. We arrived at the entrance to the Yellow Submarine around 6:15pm only to find the doors locked and the gate down. Huh? That's when we decided to hang out in Starbucks for a while to see if the concert would actually happen. We realized it might possibly happen when the lead singer from Kissed by the Moon rode past the window on his skateboard. This was around 8pm. He rode up to the locked door and sat down. Our thought was, "Did they tell the bands when the event would start?" Eventually the doors opened around 9pm and the bands started to play around 10pm. Yeah, it was a long night. We're still not really sure why the poster advertised a 'happy hour" that didn't exist. Random. But Kissed by the Moon and Radiator were awesome! And at least we had the view through the Starbucks window to entertain us.

V8's (and I'm not talking about the drink)

This weekend something crazy happened in Hamiton. The V8 Supercar's raced through the city streets to compete for a really big trophy. I'm not joking. Just a block away from my flat cars raced at ridiculously fast speeds, making skid marks on the ground and occasionally crashing into big cement barriers. Just a few weeks ago I remember thinking, "Why would a city spend so much money on repaving roads, building stands and structures, and closing off major city streets just for a three day car racing event?" It seemed pretty silly to me. Still does. But it was interesting to see the excitment it generated around me. The racers came, the city was abuzz, and so was my church family.

My church, City Bible Church, was excited because here was a chance to show the love of Jesus to so many people who would be right on our doorstep. Our church building was located inside the V8 track. Cool huh? With such a prime location, we decided a great way to show the love of Christ was to serve the people who attended the race by opening our Cafe all weekend for them. Sunday service was cancelled and the church family rallied around the Cafe vision that God placed in the heart of the elders. It was amazing to see the amount of volunteers who helped with food prep, food service, promotion, kids games, cleaning, security, and most importantly...praying. I think there were over 80 helpers. I feel incredibly blessed to have been able to stay in Hamilton to help with this outreach. It was hard. There were times when the Lord definitely had to change my attitude about service. But the end result was God's glory being revealed to those who stepped through the doors of Cafe Agora, and His blessing on those who served Him so faithfully.

Funny thing. Cara and I had tickets to see the racing on Friday. This being my first race car experience, I was amazed at the speed of the cars and the noise they made as they flew around the track. Of course, the excitment of this wore off pretty quickly for me and after awhile I thought, "You see one fast car, you've seen 'em all." Yeah, Cara and I pretty much saw a couple of races and then socialized, etc. for the rest of the time. The thing I find ironic is that we managed to get into the ticketed area each day of the race even though we didn't care that much about the racing. Our church had tickets that floated around from person to person and we unintentionally managed to get ahold of some of those tickets not once, but twice. We also watched some of the race the free way by peeking through the fences along the road/track. The fences were covered in black plastic to prevent people without tickets from seeing into the track, but New Zealanders are industrious and they found all sorts of ways to get a peek - from standing on roof tops to standing on ladders, from climbing in trees to just pulling down the plastic on the fences. It was hilarious to see people lined up against the fences.peeking to get a view.

OK, now I just want to take a few minutes to comment on a disappointing aspect of the V8 supercar races. While I was amused by the cars racing on the city streets and blessed by serving at Agora, my heart was broken by the emphasis on sex and alcohol that accompanied the racing. There were tons of beer companies promoting their drinks. Some people took advantage of these promotions by drinking early in the day until they were pretty slushed (drunk) by the time the racing finished in the evening. Also, many major companies, car and beer alike, had women walking around in skimpy outfits promoting their companies. It was clear their sole purpose was sex appeal and men were were falling left and right for it. When I saw these women I felt a mixture of embarrassment, disgust, and sorrow for them. Unfortunately, instead of going to them and showing them the love of Jesus I pulled away from any contact with them. I shouldn't have done that and I had to ask the Lord for forgiveness for that reaction. I can hate the sin but not the sinner. These women need to know they have the love of the Savior and don't need the fake attraction/lust of the men at the V8's to feel special.

I just want to conclude by saying that that this event and CBC's involvement with it were bathed in lots of prayer. It was great to be able to at any time go off to a prayer room in Agora and just pray for the outreach and any other matter of the heart. I took full advantage of that room. I know God worked in a mighty way at this event and I may never know all that He did, but I am confident that He heard the prayers of His people and influenced the racing weekend as a result.

LEGACY - Da' Truth

One of my favorite songs is called Legacy by Da' Truth. It's a powerful song that reminds me not to get too comfortable with my life in this world. It helps me to evaluate how serious I am about following Christ. Too often I hear about the suffering and persecution of Christians in the world right now and think, "Wow, that's horrible." And then go about my business with no other thought or concern for them or about the fact that this has been happening to Christians throughout history and could easily happen to me. Below are some lyrics. Absorb them. Ponder them.


Frustrated by the snares and the toils, parents annoy you
Truth of the matter is we're arrogant, spoiled
America's soil has soiled us, sort of
And pastors insist on declaring us royal
And it's true that we are but we take it too far
To the point where we break and we take down the bar
And forsake all the parts of The Faith that are hard
To embrace after all we've outsmarted the martyrs
We race up the charts- if you trace it to the start
You will find that the way to escape from the dark
And your wake is to carve off the weight and the heart
Of the truth, until everybody loves you
Jesus said woe to you old and new saints
That hold a view that you can go through The Faith
With nobody loathing you, that's a view
That you only can hold when your home is the States

So, don't think it strange if a change might occur

If it does, are you ready and prepared for the curve

And a turn for the worst- would you fight, would you fall

Would you die for the Christ, that's the price of the call

Would you die for the Christ, that's the price of the call

Would you die for the Christ, that's the price of the call

Would you die for the Christ, that's the price of the call

WOULD YOU DIE FOR THE CHRIST, THAT'S THE PRICE OF THE CALL

The bones that are picked are the bones that depict
That they combed through their homes with the stones and the sticks
The aromas- a stench- so they rose up against them
At home and at Rome- throwing stones at the Christians
Got a hold of them- gripped them, kicked them, scarred them
Saw them, sawed them- they were thrown in a pit
With the toads and the vermin- I'm rolling the clips
It's urgent the scourges- the groans from the licks
The anger, the stranglers, the hangers, the danger
For all of the Christians that rolled in a clique
Ended up in the teeth of the beast that would feast
On the saints that would preach- they were thrown over cliffs
It is not known to exist in the States
Or the place where the home is just bliss
This song is intense- 'cause it's truth
And I'm trying to convince you that no one's exempt
Yet no one's equipped
Got our phones on our clips
Our focus is both on our loans and our cribs
Our fitness- our business has grown in a pinch
Would you fight would you fall
Would you ball up your fist
Would you falter or march to your grave 'cause you're saved
And your life is in Christ and to die is to gain
Would you die in His name
For the rise of His fame
Despising the shame
'Cause you're promised to reign

Would you die for the Christ, that's the price of the call
Would you die for the Christ, that's the price of the call
Would you die for the Christ, that's the price of the call
WOULD YOU DIE FOR THE CHRIST, THAT'S THE PRICE OF THE CALL

"Highlights"

Touch Rugby seems to be a favorite pastime sport. Two weekends ago I had the opportunity to watch my friends compete in a tournament playing this sport. I was offered the chance to play along with them, but I respectfully declined, recalling my previous experience of playing "touch" on the beach and always running the wrong direction to catch the ball (rugby passes the ball backwards, football passes the ball forwards). As I watched my friends and noticed the ease in which they passed the ball to each other I knew I'd made the right decision. The experience was extremely fun. Picture a beautiful summer day, a vivid green field, and 3 rugby games going simultaneously, all against the backdrop of a mountain in the distance. The place and day were picture perfect! My friends didn't do so well (only scoring a few points all day) but they had fun playing, and I had fun cheering on the sidelines. I even witnessed a rugby injury. It's funny how people can get hurt with bleeding noses and sprained ankles and just walk it off. All I can think at those moments is, "We'll be getting a call from them at ACC." I came to NZ not knowing much about Rugby, but now it's starting to grow on me. Hey, I'm even planning to see a professional rugby game in a few weeks.

A Beautiful Day!

Warm-ups before the big game.

The rugby ball. Slightly larger and rounder than a football.

Game on!

Smile for the Camera. Yes I have two sets of glasses. I was holding them for a friend.

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Hanging out with friends,

When doing theatre three major wildcards to work with are children, animals, and audience participation. Any one of those alone can add a level of uncontrolability and stress to an otherwise simple play. Combine them together and you've got yourself a chaos. This Sunday, Palm Sunday, I was placed in charge of a skit portraying Jesus' triumphant entry into Jerusalem. This skit included not one but all three wildcards: children, a live donkey, and audience participation. Oh, and we weren't able to practice the skit at all until the day of. When faced with this challenge I tried not to be stressed. And failed. Thankfully, Beth, wife of one of our pastors, noticed my distress and prayed with me right then and there. Praise God for speedy answers to prayer! As it turns out, the skit went really well. Our donkey was quiet and well behaved. The children were enthusiastic even if they were a bit confused. I probably should have looked more into why the the people threw their clothing on the ground in front of Jesus. The kids didn't understand why I made them do this. The congregation was a little weak with their cheering for Jesus in the morning, but with a little tweaking of the skit I got the audience in the evening to have a more excited cheer. I really believe the Lord managed all the intricate details of the skit to make it come together and work well.

"I'm Going To New Zealand to Find Me A Husband!"

Or at least that's what many people imply to me (or even scarier, expect of me). Kiwi's, I wish I could say this idea has solely been expressed to me by my fellow Americans, but strangely that hasn't been the case. I can't tell you how many times a New Zealander has said to me, "You're from America? Maybe you'll find a nice Kiwi guy to marry!" To which I inwardly roll my eyes and wonder why so many people think the only possible purpose I could have for coming to NZ is to find a husband. I mean, do I have "Desperate" written across my forehead? Or do they envision me fulfilling some romantic fantasy in which two foreigners meet, fall in love, marry, and live happily ever after.

OK, I don't really believe that's what people are thinking. I think my New Zealand wellwishers just love their country and realize their Kiwi men are worthy of the love of a foreigner. There do seem to be a lot of intercultural marriages here. Now, my American wellwishers I'm not so sure about. I say this because we Americans have an ingrained caution about marriage to foreigners that stems from a history of being a "melting pot" of the world. I know that doesn't make sense, but hear me out. The history of America is filled with the story of immigrants coming to the continent desiring a new life for themselves. At some point recently in our history we realized we needed to put laws into place to distinguish American citizenship. Suddenly immigrants couldn't just come and stay forever, they had to become citizens to stay in the country. One of the ways a foreigner could automatically become a citizen was to marry an American. Stories began to circulate about foreigners marrying a person just to get citizenship and then leaving them once they had obtained that goal. Theses stories placed in many Americans an underlying fear of being used through marriage by foreigners. Suddenly we found ourselves guarding our marriage certificate like it was a precious jewel.

Now with that said, why were my friends and family speculating that I would come home with a Kiwi husband? Because, if truth be told, they (and I) understand that there are a lot of great guys all over the world, including New Zealand. If the Lord has a husband for me, in NZ or any other country, it's no big deal. He has my life and my marriage in His hands.

I wrote this blog because I hear the marriage word so much I just had to comment on it. I didn't come to New Zealand to find a husband, and I don't think it'll happen. (I hope I don't end up eating those words! :P ) But, perhaps if I'm really lucky I might meet a guy like the one a friend from work tried to offer to me. "He's nice and fun Tiana, the only down side is that he occasionally smokes weed!"

A Confession

Why is it so hard to confess our weaknesses or struggles to others? Especially those who are part of the family of God, the one group of people who are there to be an encouragment and help to each other. Today during church I had the chance to pray with a small group of friends and confess an area in my life in which I needed prayer. I came into the worship gathering chipper and excited to be among my christian family, but after that prayer session I had a deep sense of regret that I had confessed an imperfection. Now reading this you may think, "Wow, she should never do that again." But, here's the thing, my feeling of regret had nothing to do with those who were praying for me. It had to do with me and Satan's attacks at me.

I need prayer. I desperately need it. We all do. We need to bring our burdens to the Lord and share them with others. God says to His church family: "Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves... Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality." (Romans 12:10,13) We are a community, a family. The most comfortable place to express our burdens should be with our family. But when I do this, something in me whispers, "They won't like you anymore. You're a failure because you need help. They're laughing at you behind your back. The fact that you have this struggle means you're not a good enough Christian. These people can't be trusted. You'd better not mention this thing again." and so on and so forth until I regret even mentioning anything. The worst part about this is that I often think that confessing a struggle will result in my feeling a great burden has been lifted from my shoulders, but instead I feel more bogged down.

Thankfully, I'm realizing that my feelings aren't exactly expressing what is actually happening. When I reach out to my church family the burden is lifted; God is working. But my sinful nature and Satan's spiritual attacks would have me believe that the opposite has happened. They would have me believe that prayer doesn't work and that my church family are my enemies. They would have me turn away from ever seeking help and prayer support from other Christians so that the family of God is broken and disconnected. Ironically, when others seek prayer from me for the struggles and burdens they have, I'm excited to help. I don't look down on them or think any less of them. I want to be there for them and offer my support and encouragement. Why don't I realize that this is how others feel when I come to them?

I wrote this blog because I needed to write it. I needed to remind myself of these truths. I'm glad I did. I also know that others need to be reminded of these truths as well. Maybe perhaps you?

Reflections On A Bus

Everyday as I travel to work I sit on a bus, watch the world go by, and think. Oh, nothng too profound. I think about the houses flying by, the cows in the fields, the mountains in the distance, and most importantly, reflections on life.

Here are a few reflections I've made this week:

On paying for a bus ride -
When seeking to ride the bus in New Zealand you must pay a fare. Interestingly, to pay that fare you don't have to have exact change. The bus driver is equiped with a cash box and can take your $10 and give you $8.20 back. As I daily observed this process I thought about how in Cleveland you have to have exact fare or no change will be given. How inconvenient. Even more inconvenient is the bus system in New York City where you can only pay the bus fare with quarters. Imagine having the fare in cash but not in quarters.

On birthday cakes -
In New Zealand birthday cakes come in all types of shapes and sizes. The types of cakes vary from sponge to black forest, and some birthday desserts aren't even cakes at all. This is curious to me since in the US many birthday cakes are very similar. They usually have sugary icing covering the whole cake and writing on the top saying "Happy Birthday...." or any number of messages. I kind of miss that. It makes the cake more personal.

On school uniforms -
The majority of the schools in New Zealand have a uniform that all the students must wear. I can tell which kids attend the same school when they walk onto the bus just by their identical uniforms. In the US, uniforms are usually associated with private schools. Most public schools just have dress codes in varying degrees of strictness. There weren't many dress restrictions at the schools I attended. Jeans and a T-shirts were usually the norm.

On smoking -
New Zealand is a smoke free country, yet I see so many people smoking (teens included). I think I've breathed more clean air walking the streets of Cleveland than I have walking the streets of Hamilton. On the other hand, a year ago Ohio became a smoke free state. What took them so long? At least New Zealand realized the value of a smoke free environment (if only indoors) a long time ago.

Whoops! The bus has reached my stop. That's it for now.