Applying Online?

So due to reduced hours at good ol' Starbucks I am in serious need of a second job. Oh, nothing too fancy. Just another part-time flexible job. As I've begun to job hunt again I've found myself continually frustrated by online applications. Actually I think they should be called Job Personality Tests because rather than just accept the standard job history/resume info they also want you to take a brief test (they call it assessment). This test (assessment) can take anywhere from 10 minutes to an hour grilling you on your responses to fictional situations and your thoughts and beliefs about the morality of yourself and your fellow human beings. I kid you not. And all this just to work as a cashier at a clothing store. The worst part about these tests are that once you've complete them many will let you know if you've passed or failed in the nicest way possible. "I'm sorry, but this assessment indicates that you do not qualify as a capable candidate for this position at Walmart!"

I wish I could give you an example of some of the actual questions I've had to answer, but I thought it would be funner to come up with my own job personality test. It's pretty ridiculous but also pretty close to actual questions I've had to answer.

OK. Are you ready? Once you begin you have 30 minutes to complete this test... whoops... assessment. On your mark, get set, go!

JOB PERSONALITY TEST (ASSESSMENT)

1) If a customer spills a smoothie in the aisle do you?

a. stare at it

b. ignore it

c. laugh

d. call the president

2) If you catch a co worker stealing socks do you?

a. personally arrest them

b. get the manager to arrest them

c. get a customer to arrest them

d. ask them to swipe a pair for you

3) What does the employee manual say about dealing with a smelly customer?

a. nothing

b. direct them to the perfume counter

c. direct them to the back door exit

d. don't care

4) Do you believe most people steal?

a. yes

b. no

5) Do you believe most people are evil

a. yes

b. no

6) Do you believe you are evil?

a. yes

b. no

7) Do you believe in Santa Claus?

a. yes

b. no

These next set of questions should be answered using the following scale: 1. absolutely, 2. definitely, 3. maybe, 4. definitely not, 5. absolutely not

8) I like helping customers who are jerks.

9) I like working with managers who are jerks.

10) I am a jerk.

11) I like to work with a large group of people.

12) I can't stand working with a large group of people.

13) I can only work alone in back room with no customer or coworker interaction.

The next two questions are optional and don't count but we want you to answer them anyway. If you don't answer them you definitely won't get this job.

14) Has this survey been useful in helping you understand the nature of this job?

15) Was this survey a waste of time?